Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 11): The Art of Manscaping

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I just got my first shipment from the Dollar Shave Club. What all can I shave with this new, sharp, and shiny contraption? Have you heard of "manscaping"? Sincerely, Harry

A: Dear Midwestern Manscaper, Congratulations on your Dollar Shave Club kit. Since we have passed the first of October, I assume you have started growing your winter beard. My beard is of course in full bloom- glorious, thick, and complete. No you cannot touch it!

So you ask about "manscaping"? Oh my, I can only imagine what you've done with your new shave kit. You should be ashamed of yourself, manscaper! When you sculpt your beard during this season, be proud in the art of grooming. When you mount an assault on you turtleneck of hair, we thank you. When you trim your dust-bunnied eyebrows, the ladies exhale. But I fear you have done more. You will pay, manscaper. You will itch. You will scratch. You will live in misery as your pelt returns with vigor, like an overgrown, uncontrollable shrub. You will rue the day you decided to delve into such a lifestyle.

You have tread into an area in which you do not belong. You are a man! Your manliness is expressed in hairiness. Be proud of your blanketed chest and back and ears and eyebrows and neck. Prune your trees but do not raze them to the ground. The vengeance will be theirs.

Now, moving on, have you seen me on this month's cover of Mediterranean Man Magazine? The autumn looks are in and I have blazed the trail for you. I have transitioned from summer sexy to fall rugged. Time to layer, wear socks again, pop the collar on your best denim jacket and let the world bask in the glory of your facial hair.

So I am sorry if you have already gone too far. You will only do that once I hope.

P.S. These rules only apply to males. You ladies are beautiful and can scape however you like- from 70's-natural to Brazilian bare.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 10): What to Wear to Your Funeral

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have become beset by a very active but very dark imagination since a recent sickness. If tomorrow I truly do contract an extremely rare fatal disease, or end up in jail, or dissolve into the cosmos, what should I wear on the last day of my life? Sincerely Extreme OCD Sufferer

A: Dear Kirk Cameron, the "last day of your life" outfit should end the way it began . . . naked. But before getting to the big reveal, you should begin your day enshrouded in a woolen cloak to remind you of the fashion darkness from whence you came.

You may want to wear a cloak resembling a rustic poncho, whereas I would wear one a bit of a closer cut to my body, possibly cashmere.

As the day progresses, off comes the poncho to expose your christened, bleach-white, cotton Oxford and white denim. Near death or not, all official rules still apply with denim.

For footwear, one may make the wrong assumption that sandals, flip-flops, or open-toed footwear is now an option in such a desperate time. Do not fall for that temptation. You may wear no shoes that would reveal any hammer toes, bunions, cankles, toe rings, or the like. You're dying, not giving up your dignity.

Now for your sunset special. Find a white sand beach, rid yourself of the white and get to down to the skin. Full skin. Remeber, there is a well known "commando" requirement when wearing quality denim so this step should come quite easily.

Finally, stretch out in all your glory and let the waves wash over your self pity.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Special Labor Day edition)

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, According to traditional fashion rules, Labor Day is the last day to wear white. All your fans know that you go by your own set of rules, especially concerning the wearing of white. So what do I do? I'm so confused. What are the Gigi Fashion Rules exactly?

A: I feel I answered this question sufficiently last year my friend. If you haven't worked on your tan this summer, then most likely this will be the last day of white for you. I, of course, will wear white all year and provide glorious contrast throughout the winter.

Now to the bigger issue, the thin-white see-thru pants the middle-aged set is wearing. You know what I speak of. This look is typically coupled with flip flops (see my previous posts with regard to footwear). There's possibly a toe ring. You catch yourself seeing what you don't want to see, ham and a G-string pressed into a tight cotton casing. And be careful not to pierce that casing lest the contents burst forth in a cavalcade of jiggle. I cannot bear another Midwestern backward-fashion summer. Please use this holiday to rid yourself of these fashion foul temptations and just wear black to mourn your poor decisions. Happy Labor Day!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 8): Facial Hair

The Greek God of Style is back after a long retreat at the top of Mount Olympus where he survived with nothing more than a bow and arrow and meditated on a copy of Aristotle's "Corpus Aristotelicum" and six months of Elle magazines.

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am already planning how to mold my facial hair for the coming Fall. What do you think about mustaches? Is the Handlebar ever a good look? How about the Fu Manchu? Or what about the Thin Upper Lip Shadow?

A: Dear Motivated Mustache, Whoaaaa Sundance kid! Are you really ready for that lifestyle change? You speak so laissez-faire about your facial hair. "Oh, I'll just grow a mustache." Have you purchased the requisite Trans Am, Burt? I cannot even comprehend your question. I do not think you have enough hair anywhere to support such a decision. In addition, I would suspect you do not possess the ideal skin tone to head into autumn with any facial hair. Now, for me, I can support a mustache and a beard at the same time. It's ok to be jealous.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 7): The Language of Buttons

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am a single woman with many prospective single guys in my life. I am having a terrible time understanding the language they are communicating by the number of buttons fastened or undone on their shirts. Can you help me crack this strange kind of morse code? Diana in Detroit

A: Oh dearest Diana, this is not so complicated a topic. When divining the average male, the buttons speak volumes. If a man buttons to the top, your question should be, "What is he hiding?" Lack of developed pectorals? Too smooth? If he is untucked, is he some sort of street tough? Avoid those guys because they are not communicating what you want.

OK, now the "one-button undone" man. This man says "I want to play but I'm most likely a conservative therefore I have guilt if I have fun." Have caution with them too!

Now enters the "two or more unbuttoned" man. He won't wear an undershirt, of course, unless there is a chill. Then he'll be wearing a tank top and socks. This man exudes confidence, sophistication, and he smells wonderful. He is most likley Mediterranean. This man offers a tease and a taste of danger. Do you dare? You do? . . . well then we are a rare breed Diana. Rare indeed. Good luck with your "one-buttoned" man.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 6): For the Outdoors

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I hear you are an avid fly fisherman. How do you pull off such a rugged activity so fashionably? And what tips can you offer to protect your skin from the harsh elements?

A: What a timely question. Angling is a delicate balance of presenting the bait to the fish as well as yourself to the environment. Just because you are alone doesn't mean you get to be a slob.

Choose wisely, starting at the feet with a well broken-in pair of lace-up boots with a minimum of ten eyelets. Bathe your legs in a nice bit of Japanese selvage denim worthy of your endeavor. Your choice of shirt should allow sufficient movement without a "cut for beer gut" look. Try for vintage Levi's if you dare. That's a favorite. And finally a vest always completes the look.

Now you are ready. And remember that you never know when you are going to be on camera.

As for your other question, I have no answer. My skin adequately moisturizes itself just enough to maintain a rugged look. Good luck keeping up!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol.5): What to Wear on Holiday

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I'm booked to go on holiday next week but I just do not know what to wear. How do I prepare for a warm, tropical, coastal destination?

A: Dear Hopeless in Havana, though I never have this issue I will try to help. Leave your undergarments at home. Such restrictions should be avoided while on holiday. White mid-thigh shorts or skirts (see my previous post for rules on wearing white) and a flowing button-up are musts. Flip-flops are unacceptable because no one needs to hear the racket of you tripping by. Enjoy your holiday. If you don't qualify to wear white, please stay home.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 4): When to Wear White

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, There is a lot of misinformation on this fashion rule. So when is it truely appropriate to wear white? Do you go by the lunar calendar or the Orthodox calendar?

A: Mr. Misinformation, here is the rule: If your skin is whiter than your clothes then you mustn't wear white . . . ever. Spring, summer, fall, winter? The season doesn't matter if you look good. For example, imagine you have fine olive or mocha colored skin. It would be a crime not to wear white quite often.

It is never appropriate however to wear white tube socks. It is not the 1970's and you are not 10-years-old. Never!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 3): To Stripe or Not to Stripe

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, What is the social etiquette for wearing stripes?

A: Dear ASS&IOD, Stripes- so simple yet so complicated. Side stripes should not be worn in such a way to enhance one's girth. If a tight shirt creeps above one's beltline, that is an absolute fail . . . unless you are sailing in the Mediterranean. Vertical stripes are also a "no-no" unless one strives to mimick Davey Jones from The Monkees. Never a good look. If you are bent on wearing stripes, do so under a flannel to re-live 1994. Or better yet, dont!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 2): Foot Wear

Q: What are your theories on open-toe footwear?

A: Before I go on, you need to address me as The Greek God of Style. Now to your question. What are dames trying to prove with open-toed shoes? How many toes they can cram through some tiny hole? Ventilation? No thank you! Keep the stink in! Now, with that said there are some "reasonable" open-toed shoes for ladies, but they should never be a first choice. Heels everyday is a great idea!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 1): Hair Dye

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, at what point is it acceptable for a man to start dyeing his hair to cover up the grey? - Anonymous still-single and insecure old dude

A: It is preposterous for a man to dye his hair under any circumstance other than theatrical. A man should embrace his manly wisdom, no matter how hideous, and hope a woman will take pity on him by calling it "dignified". Suck it up Nancy, at least you're not bald...yet.