Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I just got my first shipment from the Dollar Shave Club. What all can I shave with this new, sharp, and shiny contraption? Have you heard of "manscaping"? Sincerely, Harry
A: Dear Midwestern Manscaper, Congratulations on your Dollar Shave Club kit. Since we have passed the first of October, I assume you have started growing your winter beard. My beard is of course in full bloom- glorious, thick, and complete. No you cannot touch it!
So you ask about "manscaping"? Oh my, I can only imagine what you've done with your new shave kit. You should be ashamed of yourself, manscaper! When you sculpt your beard during this season, be proud in the art of grooming. When you mount an assault on you turtleneck of hair, we thank you. When you trim your dust-bunnied eyebrows, the ladies exhale. But I fear you have done more. You will pay, manscaper. You will itch. You will scratch. You will live in misery as your pelt returns with vigor, like an overgrown, uncontrollable shrub. You will rue the day you decided to delve into such a lifestyle.
You have tread into an area in which you do not belong. You are a man! Your manliness is expressed in hairiness. Be proud of your blanketed chest and back and ears and eyebrows and neck. Prune your trees but do not raze them to the ground. The vengeance will be theirs.
Now, moving on, have you seen me on this month's cover of Mediterranean Man Magazine? The autumn looks are in and I have blazed the trail for you. I have transitioned from summer sexy to fall rugged. Time to layer, wear socks again, pop the collar on your best denim jacket and let the world bask in the glory of your facial hair.
So I am sorry if you have already gone too far. You will only do that once I hope.
P.S. These rules only apply to males. You ladies are beautiful and can scape however you like- from 70's-natural to Brazilian bare.