Q: Dear Greek God of Style? Pleats! Why? Why do designers feel it necessary to add unnatural wrinkles to my mid-section. I already have enough wrinkles there (if you know what I mean). Please help me understand.
A: Gentlemen, I encourage you to consider your decision making process when it comes to pants. Since it is nearly the holiday season, you will find yourself having to dress up a bit so as to not shame your family. If only you had listened to me and looked your best everyday you would not find yourself at this contemptuous crossroads, henceforth known as the "pleated pant". The billowing frontal fabric calls out like a siren, tempting you to think the subtle folds will obscure your lack of commitment. The seams groan and stretch like bellows, stoking the fires of disappointment as you suck in for the last fight to secure the fasteners.
Success, you're all tucked in! Congratulations Mrs. Kangaroo on your Joey.
Bravo maestro! The curtains part and you haven't achieved zipper success. Close the curtains! Please! Better yet, just wear flat fronts and a blazer.