Q: Dear Greek God of Style,
I am thinking of buying one of those new shirt/ short combos for men. I think it will show off my package very nicely. Plus my absolute machoism needs a touch of feminism. Do you ever wear a romper?
Sincerely, Parker Baggerly from the Bronx
A: My Dear Mr. Baggerly,
Since we are on summer's doorstep, I welcome your question concerning "rompers". Unfortunately your choice of words suggests your have no experience in dressing yourself in anything other than perforated basketball shorts, tank tops, and slippers with socks. The term "romper" is used for children's play clothes, which contradicts the machismo you'd like to convey to potential admirers.
I have had significant experience in adorning my body in efficient summer combo-couture and I'll share some tips with you. First, let's describe the options.
The shirt/short combo-couture offers a classic lassaiz-faire leisure look for any beach getaway. Models cover the gambit from Nero collars, to no-button full-chest tuxedo cuts, to button-ups with collars for all of you who are shy, to belted and elastic-banded, to bear cut for the plus-size man (look into this cut). As for the bottom half, designs vary from boardshort (look into this as well), to mid-thigh, to nick-the-Greek, to whale tale, aka "Two Moons over Miami.
This fashion expression is typically considered advanced in technique and methodology. I write about this in "Modern Machismo Monthly" and this expression is not to be attempted lightly. A high level of confidence in one's body is necessary to achieve the desired effect and not look like a Phys. Ed. teacher (the worst bastardization of this garment). Commitment and sacrifice is warranted here so if you can't commit don't read on . . . just quit!
My preference is the tuxedo-cut with below the navel button. I like to coif my chest hair to balance the tension from wide shoulder to "trail of dreams". Sometimes bare, sometimes brushed and styled with high gloss ointments for added glisten. I prefer to pop the collar to further enhance the V-ness of my broad latissimus dorsi. My waistline is typically secured with a light calfskin bridle blonde belt that moves effortlessly from day to evening. For the short pants, I have no choice but the mid-thigh. Anything shorter could cause an unplanned reveal akin to a fighter pilot ejecting a burning hulk with impressive effect.
For the beach I prefer the whale tail for ease of movement. For accessories a silk scarf around my tanned neck is usually called for as well as a oversize square-frame rhinestone sunglasses from Gucci which are single use. For crowning, an aptly named Cokk, UK fedora or Lover ball cap cements the look.
Does this paint a glorious mental image for you yet Parker?
I can't stress the importance of confidence. I'm not sure you're there yet Parker so try the hipster gingham and salmon shorts for now.