Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have to go on a business trip next week and I don’t know what to wear. My usual choices of denim and layers, obviously influenced by your vast wisdom, just won’t be accepted in such an uptight atmosphere. What are my alternatives? George in Guernsey
A: My dear confused traveler, After all this time it is good to know you are beginning to follow this sage's advice. Beginning, yes, but you are still not quite competent. If you have studied the advice I have given you would know what not to wear and thus know what exactly to wear for any occasion. Allow me to expound as I have seen many things these eyes should not have seen while on a recent trip myself.
In any travel or life situation please avoid the following:
Pullet-producing pleated pants (aka Front Butt Syndrome).
Polo shirts. You are not 12-years-old in private school.
Please remove your excessive accessories. You are not Steven Tyler so remove any extraneous rings, scarves, and bracelets so as to not jingle and draw attention to yourself like a wind chime. Your mere presence should draw attention . . . so I've found. If dressing right, you should not need any help.
Those tube socks you've been hiding under your comfy "I-swear-they're-not-sweatpants" pants? C'mon. You should know better by now.
Please refer now to our previous volume on Manscaping (Vol. 11). And please take a moment to apply that wisdome to inspect your accessorized ears. Are you a filter-feeder, searching for food on the reef, swaying in the current? You know what you need to do.
Slacks and running shoes? Are you serious? Lady travelers, you're guilty too. Maybe more so with sneakers+skirts+tights= I think I vomited in my mouth a bit. Please be mindful of those around you who must witness this tragedy.
Men, remember you have a waist at your waist. Your waist is not above your belly button, no matter how many advanced degrees you may have. Nor is your waist below your soft-n-tenders. Please accept the fact that you are not a 32-waist anymore. And remember your belt is not there to remake your zero-shaped body into an eight-shaped body.
Oh you exhaust me.
You must control everyone's initial reaction to your entry and presence to set the tone of the entire business trip.
Pants should be slim through the hips. This gives your body a better V-shape that says "I'm potent and can make you have babies."
Your shirt projects your attitude. Refer to the button-up blog (Vol. 7). You want to project a relaxed attitude which says "I'm here because you need me." A minimum of two buttons should remain undone.
Socks. If you have to, they must be power socks. Colors, stripes, patterns, etc. No black.
Your face should be left unshaven so as to say "I've been drinking whiskey as I pondered the Cosmos whilst riding on horseback."
Command the room with virility, if you can't offer brilliance.
I offer both, as you know.